Childhood trauma sure has a way of making us feel trapped within our own minds. The things that we go through as children and through our adolescent years are the same things that will ultimately shape who we are. Our personalities have been cultivated not only by the things that we’ve experienced but also by our genetics. It’s true, that some of us are already predisposed to the ability to effectively handle tough emotions while others are not. Are you familiar with externalizing and internalizing personalities? Let’s discuss the characteristics of the two and see which continuum you fall in. Many of us will be a blend of the two, but we’ll still identify with one of the other.
Characteristics of an Externalizer.
An externalizer is someone who addresses their emotional issues through outward expression. They typically aren’t that self-reflective as their primary means of survival is to blame other people for their problems. Rarely taking accountability, externalizers see the world as a place that should conform to their beliefs and values. According to them, they are not the problem, you are. Those with externalizer personalities can be rather impulsive and they generally have trouble within their interpersonal relationships. They are more likely to ACT OUT their emotions rather than to work through them.
Different types of externalizing behaviors.
Since externalizers are more likely to act out their emotions. Externalizing behavior can come in the form of anger and aggression, a propensity for violence, a propensity for destruction (self-harm, graffiti tagging, breaking things, fighting, stealing), sexual escapades, etc. The key here is that those who are an externalizer, tend to direct their emotions towards objects and towards others. As a result, they often exacerbate their already strained interpersonal relationships. A common phenomenon amongst children with suppressed emotions is that they often act out in school and/or turn to a life of crime to cope with what they are going through. This can be an externalizing response amongst young men. They suffer greatly from externalizing behaviors due to the lack of feeling as if they are unable to express their emotions.
Characteristics of an Internalizer
The internalizer is highly self-reflective and tends to look inwardly when it comes to solving their problems. This means that instead of blaming others, they are more likely to look at their own behavior and take accountability for their actions. Internalizers are highly self-aware and perceptive individuals. They spend lots of time in their own heads, trying to sort out and process their emotions. While that may be better than being an externalizer, internalizers still have their own set of battles within themselves. This includes not speaking up when they are in need and often putting others’ needs before their own. They will go out of their way to help others but can be quite helpless when it comes to their own self-care, making them susceptible to mental and physical burnout.
Different types of internalizing behaviors.
To internalize means to acquire knowledge through whatever means are necessary. In this case, it’s from their resources within. For this reason, you will find that many internalizers tend to shut down during conflict as they need to retreat within themselves in order to rationalize and reason with their emotions. They generally engage in activities that stimulate the brain and allow them to expand their mind. Internalizers may cope by doing things such as writing out their thoughts and feelings, reading, exercising, meditating, and listening to music. Because they know the value of harmony, internalizers have a deep need for emotional connection. Even though they are less likely to reach out to people when they are having problems of their own. They may be more adept at handling their emotions than externalizers, but they are also more prone to things such as suicide and depression.
What can contribute to the creation of externalizer and internalizer personalities?
The Externalizer
Externalizers are usually the children who grew up in homes where they were not taught how to effectively handle their emotions. They may have frequently witnessed their parents handling their emotions through means of violence or indulging in substance abuse as a way to cope with their everyday life. Also, due to genetics, some children are simply predisposed to such impulsive behavior. If you’ve spent most of your time in a reactive environment where almost no one took accountability for their actions. Chances are that you may develop some of those tendencies as well. Especially if you grew up in a rather privileged family where you never had to do things for yourself.
The Internalizer
As children, internalizers often suffered from emotional neglect as they were growing up. They are the child that’s just there, and they were routinely overlooked. It’s a misconception that an internalizer doesn’t have any issues simply because they are adept at regulating their emotions. When an internalizing child is consistently overlooked, it signals to them that they aren’t as important as the other children/things that are taking up all of their parent’s attention. These are the types of issues that can contribute to the development of people-pleasing behaviors that you often spot with internalizing personalities. Between not being seen, validated, and emotional neglect. It would make sense that these kinds of children grew up doing whatever they needed to, in order to forge a connection with someone.
In a nutshell, an externalizer can be described as someone who does not know how to effectively soothe themselves and work through their own emotions. They can be impulsive, rather intense, and sometimes just a pain to be around. An internalizer can be described as someone who can effectively reason and work through their emotions using their own inner resources. But they often feel like a burden to others, and are overlooked when it comes to their emotions since they are always seen as the one who “has it all together”.
I hope you enjoyed this article! I’d like to thank Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson for her profound knowledge of this subject. If you haven’t already, make sure you check out her book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
My name is Samantha Johnson and I routinely write about topics involving mental health, self-help, and growth topics in general. If you enjoy such subjects, consider following me and subscribing to my email list. Thank you and until next time!