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The thoughts that keep me awake at night…
What keeps you awake at night? I bet you didn’t think that I would spring this question unto you, did you? Many of us believe that our thoughts are just that, thoughts and that’s it. But what if I told you that some thoughts have merit? That some thoughts are true and hold value, they are powerful. Some thoughts are great at giving us direction. Learning how to discern what it is that we are actually thinking about is a powerful gesture. It is the things that we frequently cultivate within our minds, that we’ll find the true meaning of how we really feel. How we truly feel about our lives and those that inhabit it.
So what are some thoughts that keep me up at night?
I really should start living life more.
I’m not one to offer up regrets but if I do have any, it would be basically working away my 20’s. Don’t get me wrong, at 28, I’m very grateful to have been able to build such a good life for myself. However, I still feel like I could have enjoyed myself just a tad bit more while I was younger. I feel like I may have missed out on a lot of opportunities to connect with other individuals but the truth is, I also just wasn’t healed during this time.
It’s tough trying to find your place in a life that you once felt like you didn’t even belong in. I spent a lot of my earlier 20s unhappy and working myself into the ground. I did this in order to not have to deal with certain emotions. These days, I think a lot about how much more I would like to enjoy my life. Except now, they’re no longer just thoughts as I have made them my reality. I’m working daily to make sure that i’m balancing out chasing success with cultivating happiness. Don’t get so stuck chasing success to the point where you no longer value enjoying your life and meeting new people. To love the process is the real success. We can’t get to where we are trying to go if we never take the time to stop and smell the roses.
I really wish I was closer with my family.
I know a lot of you may be able to relate to this thought because the truth is, that many of us come from broken homes. Many of us have grown up without support and some of us don’t even know who are real parents are. This is actually a huge thought for me, as this is a question that plagues me while I’m fully awake. When I was younger and unhealed, my family looked a bit different then. Perhaps because I didn’t understand the things that I do now, as I wasn’t as emotionally intelligent back then.
Often, when we grow up and become more mature, we start to realize things that shouldn’t be deemed as “normal’ within a family. We start to notice the “shade” and the “dark empathy” that may have gone over our heads as children. We start to identify with ourselves and what we will and will not tolerate. This new revelation often leads to isolation if what we start to notice about our family, does not align with what we want for ourselves. Thus division almost becomes inevitable, but most of the time it’s for the good.
I love my family and I wish I could be closer to them. The truth is though, there are just too many issues and unanswered questions surrounding certain relationships. This newly healed person doesn’t want to create inauthentic relationships, whether they are family or not. These days, I’m only going to spend my time nurturing relationships that have clear motives and intentions. I don’t want to deal with anything or anyone that I have to decipher. If someone wants to be in your life, they will make the effort to do so.
I want to meet more people from different backgrounds and cultures.
Yesterday, I was loading up groceries into my car, rapping and dancing as always. Then this lady came up to me out of nowhere and she asked me,
“Are you rapping and loading groceries at the same time?”
She was obviously intrigued by my ability to do something physical while also using up all my damn oxygen to rap. But while she was intrigued by my whatever skills, I was intrigued by her accent. I believe she may have been Russian, though I don’t like to just assume someone’s ethnicity based on how they sound. Anyway though, this interaction just further exacerbated my thoughts of wanting to meet new people. When she walked away, I couldn’t help but have 1,000 questions about her. I’m very inquisitive of other individuals. I didn’t really learn this about myself until I got older.
I’ve never been a people person and to be honest, I’m still not. But by not being a people person, I just simply mean that I have a VERY LOW social battery. I love meeting new people and interacting with them, but only to an extent. I would like to spend the majority of my time alone but I am starting to feel the need to get out more and start meeting new people. Plus I love to learn new things. What better things are there to learn, other than genuinely learning about and being interested in other people? Humans are literally the foundation of life, after GOD of course. We should exist with harmony amongst one another, not through divisiveness.
I Love Y’all.
Thank you for Reading!
I just wanted to share some of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately. If you enjoyed reading this, feel free to give me a clap or two and a follow. I also would like to learn about your thoughts as well. Yes you, the one that’s reading this. I’m going to ask you again, what are some thoughts that keep you up at night? Drop the answer in the comments. =)