Analyzing how the relationships that we have with others can contribute to our emotions.
Are they manipulating me, or is it my own insecurities? These are two of the most powerful questions that one can ask themselves when assessing their relationships and how a person is treating them. Knowing the answer to such questions may provide you with the insight you need to figure out whether you should stay or walk away from them. But it gets much more complicated than this because how do we really know whether we’re being manipulated or not? Well that there is a loaded question, my dear, so let’s dive right on in.
If You Have To Ask
Generally, if you have to ask whether you’re being manipulated or not, chances are that you probably are. Manipulation often comes across as subtle, in a way where you may not even know that you’re being manipulated. Common signs of manipulation can include continuously questioning yourself after suspected gaslighting attempts. Feeling down or zoned out after having a seemingly innocent conversation with someone. Having feelings of remorse after doing something that you didn’t want to do in the first place. Uncharacteristic behavioral changes that you seem to not be able to explain. Honestly, I can go all day. However, if you have to ask, then you’re probably being manipulated.
Is it trauma-related behavior or direct manipulation?
When we’re dealing with a person that’s ambivalent. It’s imperative to discern whether they are actually exhibiting manipulative behavior, or if we are just receiving it that way. When we deal with trauma, it can sometimes have an effect on the way that we perceive things. Many times people aren’t actually trying to manipulate us, it just seems that way because we’re used to that behavior from others in our past. This is where our own trauma enters the picture. Sometimes we aren’t actually being manipulated, we are just perceiving it that way. By now, I know that many of you are asking, but how can we tell the difference? This is where it becomes important for us to be able to identify our own emotions and how we feel when we are around certain individuals.
Identifying Our Own Emotions: How Do I Feel?
Ever heard of the saying “My perception is my reality? This one sentence alone explains why it can sometimes be difficult to discern whether someone is truly manipulating us or if it’s coming from our own emotional feelings from past trauma. When determining whether you are actually being manipulated or not , think about how you feel when talking/dealing with a particular person. We have to get better at asking ourselves questions when we are dealing with others in order to pinpoint whether we actually feel good around them or not. Below are some insightful questions to ask yourself when you are trying to discern how you truly feel when you’re around certain people.
- When I’m around this person, are my emotions constant or are they all over the place?
- Does being around this person allow me to feel inclusive, or do I often feel the need to change who I am when I’m around them?
- Does being around this person make me think about my past or bring up any insecurities within myself?
- Do you often feel ambivalent when you live around this person?
- Does being around this person allow me to grow and become better?
Analyzing how we feel when we are around certain individuals
- If every time you leave a conversation with a person, you feel confused or like your emotions are all over the place. You’re more than likely being emotionally manipulated. Healthy interactions should leave us feeling full and happy, not questioning ourselves or our reality.
- When you’re around a person, you should be able to be your authentic self. If you find yourself having to change to fit in or gain their acceptance, chances are this is your own trauma-related issue. You may not be comfortable in your own skin, or you may seek the approval of others due to your own insecurities. In my opinion, if you show up and turn into a chameleon to fit the occasion, you’re actually the manipulator in this kind of situation.
- If you encounter a relationship with a person that seems to always bring OUT the insecurities within you. You’re more than likely dealing with your own trauma issues rather than someone trying to manipulate you. Pay attention to this though because if you’re interacting with someone who tends to bring your insecurities to the surface without any meaningful advice. You may be dealing with a manipulator who’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself and toy with your self-esteem.
- In my opinion, having ambivalent emotions each and every time you talk to someone is a dead giveaway that you’re being manipulated. Sending mixed signals is the ultimate way to keep someone confused so that you can have some kind of power over them. Whether you’re just trying to keep them around or keep them on their toes. Sending mixed signals is indeed manipulative, even if it’s not your intention.
- Often, when we engage with those who are manipulative to us, there’s no growth within the relationship. It is usually stagnant because well, that’s usually the goal of the manipulator. To keep everything within their playing field so that they never have to really show up. On the contrary, if you feel that you are working through your traumas and becoming a better person with this individual. Chances are that you’ve found someone who actually cares about you or perhaps they are manipulating you for the betterment of yourself. Not all manipulation is bad you know.
This brings me to my next thought
Sometimes, we confuse our own trauma-related responses with the fact that someone is trying to manipulate us and vice versa. However, to simplify things all manipulation is not inherently bad. At times manipulation can be used for good causes like getting us to see the truth and greatness within ourselves. Then there are other times when manipulation involuntarily brings out our traumas to be used against us to our disadvantage. It’s important to discern whether you’re actually dealing with trauma within yourself, or if you’re just being manipulated into thinking so.
Until next time…….. =)
-Sammy’Jayy